I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
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