Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
