we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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