Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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