I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
