Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize