I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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