Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
