I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
