i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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