I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
