you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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