I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
