Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
