he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
