i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
