mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
