maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Randomize
