I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize