a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize