Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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