he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
