my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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