I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
