It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
