i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
