I think I won the penis lottery.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
