The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
