doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
