I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
