I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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