Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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