You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
