i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I lost the right to judge tonight
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize