worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
