I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
