I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
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