You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize