She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
