saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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