remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize