there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
