new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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