community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize