I can tuck mytits in my pants
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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