Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
