Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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