I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
