Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
