I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
