why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
