Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize