The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
