Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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