i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just google imaged poop.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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