so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
