i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize