Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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