If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
