Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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