theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
